There I was, in a cottage in Denmark, in the middle of winter, thousands of miles away from my home in Manhattan. I was lying in a spoon position with two other men energetically pounding me. I was in the middle. I’ve always been an open-minded man, and I had entered this workshop out of my own free will in a quest to learn how to have a "full body orgasm." However, at that moment, I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this was a lesson I really want to learn?
It had all started innocently enough. Last summer, my fiance and I were having dinner with some friends in Ibiza. The conversation turned toward a documentary we’re producing called "Monogamish" by Tao Ruspoli. The film explores sex, love, and marriage as well as monogamy vs. polyamory. Working on the film had convinced Stephanie and me that we should all should have a conversation about this topic, given that so many people are struggling with long-term monogamy.
That’s when a friend of ours, Zoran Todorovic, mentioned a very compelling theory by the neo-tantric teacher Alex Vartman. Mr. Vartman believes that the desire to have one lover or multiple lovers depends mainly on the type of orgasm one decides to have. The standard in our culture is clitoris-based orgasm for women and a quick ejaculatory orgasm for men which Vartman calls "peak orgasms." He argues that those orgasms are evolutionarily designed for polyamory because they cause a drop on the neurotransmitters dopamine and oxytocin which makes the couples feel depleted and disconnected (the famous post-coital tristesse) which pushes people away from each other and in the search for other partners. On the other end of the spectrum, according to Vartman, is the "full body orgasm" (vaginal or cervical for her and non-ejaculatory for him) which, instead of depletion, causes a spike on those same neurotransmitters. This makes the orgasm 1000 times stronger and the couple more connected and committed. Needless to say, we were intrigued.
Cut to a few months later and we are on a flight from New York to a tiny village outside Aarhus, Denmark to attend one of Vartman’s workshops. The location was quite peculiar, a beach resort for handicapped people. The little cottages was designed for summer guests in need of wheelchairs. Being that this was the middle of winter, it was barren, grey and cold with a clinical and spooky vibe.
We first met in the main conference room, waiting for the teacher. This first meeting with other participants was initially encouraging. It was a young, enthusiastic and diverse group, mainly Danes, both couples and singles. Mr. Vartman appears sporting a long ponytail, a tight black turtle neck, tight white jeans, and - as our gaze went down to his shoes - a pair of shining black stilettos. Mr Vartman, it turns out, is a cross-dresser who believes that bisexuality is the natural orientation of humans. Umm, this was off to an interesting start.
The first exercise consisted of four people deeply hurting one person’s legs and arms in an attempt to induce a so-called Kundalini Raising, which manifests as a shaking of the bottom of the spine. The desired result was achieved for almost everyone. I wondered if this technique would be approved by serious yogis and spiritual leaders. Another exercise was to act on stage your darkest sexual fantasies. Another a blindfolded dance where heavy petting was encouraged and a soft swinging party where all men had to be dressed provocatively. That was just the first week. The second week would take us into “anal dearmoring.” We tried to hang in there, but after I was required to lay in a spoon position between two men, I began to have second thoughts. Maybe it was time to go home?
We never finished the workshop. Despite the unusual exercises, Mr Vartman's neurological explanation of the two different orgasms was quite convincing. The world of tantra teachers is very diverse, and many have vastly different, even contradictory theories. With the Danish experiment, we embarked on a period of exploration of various experts and tantra workshops.
I found both Charles Muir and Barbara Carrelles particularly fascinating. So much so that we are currently exploring the possibility of two other documentaries exploring these subjects, which will be included in our Sex & Love line of documentaries that Monogamish will launch.
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